A Field Guide to the North American Gay Male

One of the things about having a blog out there on them Internets is that anyone can stumble across and read it.  This has occurred recently with my own blog as I’ve noticed several new readers popping up in the comments.  I’ve always known that my blog is frequented by slews of gay men, a few straight women, and every once in a great while a lesbian, but get this: there have even been some straight male readers as of late.  Despite the eye candy and use of pink on my blog, they haven’t run screaming from my blog… yet.

It occurs to me that straight men can sometimes be a little dense (no offense) and don’t have the natural-born ability of gaydar, so maybe they haven’t figured things out yet.  Maybe they think all those pictures of muscle-y men is because this is some sort of bodybuilding site.  Therefore, to my straight readers, I need to tell you something:

I’m gay.  A homosexual even.

Wha- Wha- What?!?!?  Your gasps of incredulity are ringing in my ears. How I can hear them all the way over here is a mystery, but they’re drowning out the normal voices in my head so stop with the gasping already!

Don’t be alarmed.  There is no need to panic.  Contrary to popular belief, homosexuality is not contagious.  You’re not going to become gay yourself just because you pulled up my web page on your computer.  Sure, you might catch some other skanky disease from me, but you’re not going to come down with a bad case of "gay."

Scott-O-Rama's Field Guide to the Homosexuals Among UsI know that many of you are unfamiliar with and frightened by homosexuals, therefore I will give you a little background on our species.

I am what is known as a North American Gay Male (Homosexual Americanus).  The North American Gay Male (NAGM) is just one of the species in the genus called Homosexuals (homosapien fabulous).  The NAGM is found all throughout the United States and Canada and mixed in with almost every segment of the population with the rare exception of Evangelicals (Homosapien hypocritus).  Closely related is the Gay Latino (Regina latino) which originates in Mexico, Puerto Rico, California, Arizona, and Miami.

NAGMs are often indistinguishable from the general population at birth.  While young the NAGM faces many threats to its survival, most notably dodgeball.  In fact, if dodgeball were any more fatal, the NAGM species would today be extinct.  As the NAGM emerges from adolescence, its tell-tale differences begin to show.  Designer labels begin to mark his pelt, and the NAGM becomes obsessed with grooming himself.  Upon reaching adulthood, the NAGM displays a great affection towards alcohol-based drinks, particularly anything ending in "-tini."

Studies of the NAGM uncover a migratory pattern from small towns to larger cities in early adulthood.  It is thought that the NAGM believes he increases his chances of survival and finding a mate when it joins a larger pack.  Large nest areas of NAGMs are referred to as "the gayborhood" or "the gay ghetto."

The mating process of a NAGM is quite complicated indeed.  In his young adulthood, the NAGM is exceedingly popular and mates a multitude of times.  These mating encounters are often very brief, seldom lasting more than a single night before the NAGM moves on to a new partner.  The hook-ups conclude with the futile exercise of one NAGM giving a series of digits to the other NAGM.  The second makes a promise to call, but he won’t.

As a NAGM grows older, it becomes more and more difficult for him to mate.  He will employ the use of alcohol and money as lure.  The mating periods are longer but can result in bitter fights between the NAGMs when it’s over.  NAGMs are known to quarrel rather ferociously over the only copy of the Dreamgirls soundtrack and possession of the dog.

Unbeknownst to most people, the NAGM does not age the same as their straight counterparts.  The chart below explains the relative equivaliency between and NAGM’s age and that of the straight male (homosapien slobbius):

NAGM age: "barely legal"  19
 Over 40

Equivalent age: 18  21
NAGMs at this age
are rarely seen in
public other than
Minneapolis Airport
bathroom stalls

There are many sub-species within the NAGM species.  Some of the more popular ones include the Leather Daddy (Patrius corium), the Bear (Ursus capillatus), the Drama Queen (Regina tragoedia), the Twink (Homosexual adulescentia), the Drag Queen (Regina ornatus), and the Gym Bunny (Cuniculus gymnasticus).  Most NAGMs are not pure-breeds however, but rather a combination of many different breeds, i.e. a mutt.

Some of the innate abilities of NAGMs include color-coordinating, accessorizing, ruining Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and being able to recite dialog verbatim from old TV shows  and movies like "Mommie Dearest."  When provoked, the NAGM defends himself with a sharp attack of sarcasm and can reduce a grown man to tears in eight words or less.  NAGMs are often found in the company of a fruit fly (Faggius haggius) with whom they share their darkest secrets but never their bed much to the fruit fly’s eternal chagrin.

Well, I hope this gives you a better understanding of the North American Gay Male.  Please don’t fear us because of our fabulosity, but rather I hope you come to appreciate what strange and fascinating creatures each of us is.

15 Responses to A Field Guide to the North American Gay Male

  1. Howard says:

    Hooray! You got to use it on your site! It’s still freakin’ hilarious.

    Howard’s last blog post..Monkey Holiday Music

  2. Drew says:

    Friggin’ awesome! As an ecologist by training, I applaud your extensive detail of the NAGM’s life history. Rock on.

    Drew’s last blog post..A Fantasy, A Comedy and A Suspense Filled Drama…Oh My!

  3. javajones says:

    A rerun of a good post is always welcome. I loved it the first time, and I love it agian.

    javajones’s last blog post..Diz goes to the doctor, and other stuff

  4. javajones says:

    or better yet, AGAIN.

    javajones’s last blog post..Diz goes to the doctor, and other stuff

  5. urspo says:

    but is he a subspecies? and are bears a variety or a separate species in themselves? what about the twinks?
    oooh what would Linneus say?

    urspo’s last blog post..What do you want for Christmas?

  6. Don says:

    Sad that Gay men over 40 are seen to have no value. And what about the sub-species known as the Poz guys? They must be totally D-List in the NAGM.

    Don’s last blog post..Visual Recap courtesy of my Fridge

  7. atari_age says:

    Clever! Sad that I’m 2 years from being relegated to Airport bathrooms, though. I don’t even do bathroom sex, so, oh well. But – at least in terms of the Twink and Pop-Culture NAGM – that age spread is accurate.

    atari_age’s last blog post..“Happy Festivus” is another option.

  8. dave491 says:

    So what do you call a straight guy that hangs at Scott-o-rama, has no idea who Randy Blue is (and who won’t venture clicking on it), and is confused by that ad with the jewelry-guy in the shower?

    dave491’s last blog post..Locals in the CD101 Big Room During Andyman-a-thon

  9. Kevin says:

    Thanks for a laugh Scott from a “still looks 40” kinda guy…

    Kevin’s last blog post..Christmas Tree Update!

  10. utenzi says:

    Holy crap—if I was in the homo genus (which scientifically I believe I am), I’d be over 70, Scott. That’s damn scary. BTW, does visiting this site give my computer H. americanus cookies? I don’t want my computer to catch anything. 😉

    utenzi’s last blog post..toys are wonderful

  11. Keven says:

    So sad, so true…but, as my father frequently points out: Where would I be without him? Of course, he’s an artist, so I guess he counts as our token straight.
    Scott, please add illustrations for gay hand language…some folks have never seen Betty Davis…

  12. Dave says:

    Oh noes! Will I catch the gay from reading your blog?

  13. Mike Ellis says:

    Dammit, boy! According to you, I’m now older than my own parents!

    Mike Ellis’s last blog post..THIS WEEK’S QUESTION #2

  14. hotgaynerd says:

    This is fantastic. Just found your site and you do tremendous work, well done.

  15. Alan Scott says:

    Hey, Scott-O-Rama! I found your site from Raging Rainbows. I was going to comment on “This Christmas, I’m a little tired of being gay” but decided on this one instead because of its candor. Kinda touched a nerve. As Mike said, I’m now older than my parents, and sometimes I do feel that way. Being gay and over 40, one can feel rather invisible to the gay community and that’s just tragic. Fortunately, I moved away from Dallas last year, where the over-30 crowd is considered “old trolls.” My partner and I are in Washington, DC now and haven’t yet been able to fully appreciate the community here, but so far it is better than youth-and-beauty obsessed Dallas. I still think us “seniors” have much to contribute to gay communities, so why are we so vilified? Because we don’t look like the models in your ads?
    Thanks for the great posting!


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